I was a little shocked to see that my last post on here was a long time ago. In fact it was last year some time. Ah. So much for my resolution to actually post on a regular basis.
I have decided now is as good a time as any to start blogging again. Some things in life have changed; I am no longer with the same boyfriend. To cut a long story short, I was looking for a long term relationship involving moving in together . He came up with a myriad of excuses and it never did happen. We had conversation after conversation, trying to come up with a solution to the supposed issues he raised.
However, there comes a point when you realise there is no solution; for whatever reason the other person will not or does not want to try and work with you.
I ended the relationship, he was wasting my time and it was not moving in the direction I wanted. At least however, the conversations got everything out in the open and I tried.
Which brings me onto my next musing, around the theme of having the courage to voice our own needs and opinions in a constructive manner.
From what I have read and witnessed relationship wise, many of the issues seem to stem from a total lack of communication. I myself have been guilty of this in the past.
Why would two people in a relationship not communicate effectively with other? This could be for various reasons such as low self esteem; low self confidence; conflict avoidance; fear of upsetting the other party; assumptions about what the other person is thinking and feeling and so on.
For me when I was younger, much of it was fear of upsetting the other person or that they would say something I didn’t want to hear. I was timid and lacked the self confidence to actively bring up issues that were bothering me.
Now, having some relationship mileage under my belt at the grand age of 34 and a much healthier sense of self , I will freely discuss anything with my partner. I have found the courage to do so and that it is much better to get things out in the open rather than let them fester.
Sure, you could just sit there stewing and ruminating and trying to avoid whatever the issue is. However, this will not do anything towards trying to solve the issue. I know the thought of having the conversation is scary, I’ve been there. I have an over active imagination and used to dream up all these horrible scenarios. ‘ What if he get’s angry?’ ‘What if he breaks up with me?’
I always used to think the worst. I think it’s funny that people automatically expect their partner to know what they are thinking or feeling. Unless you happen to be dating a mutant like Professor Xavier of X-Men fame, don’t assume they know what the issue is or even that they are aware there is an issue. As I have joked to my current and past partner , as multi talented as I am unfortunately mind reading is not a skill I possess.
I have told him that if he ever has any issues to speak to me. My ex-boyfriend came out with a list of stuff that was irritating him, and I had absolutely no idea until he actually vocalised it.
If you can’t communicate clearly to each other, how will you know that you both want the same things in a relationship and that you are on the same wavelength? I ended my previous two relationships because they were not what I wanted. Was it easy having those conversations? No of course not, but it was better to be honest and have the integrity to actually initiate the discussions.
Yes, breakups hurt. But is better to end a relationship that is not working than stay and risk becoming bitter and resentful. This is toxic to both people in the relationship.
Hopefully though, by communicating effectively small issues can be resolved before they escalate further. I keep calm and state my points without resorting to shouting or screaming ( which in my own experience just makes things worse) . You can always take a time out if it feels like its headed in an angry direction.
The other point is, if your partner is not mature enough to have conversations around difficult issues, are they the right person to be in a relationship with?
I am in no way a qualified relationship counsellor, the above is simply from my own life experience. I have been told however by my current and previous partner that they have never had someone they could talk to so easily and about anything.
Be courageous; have those conversations you have been putting off. Be honest, it pays in the long run.